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Saturday, December 3, 2016

Knowing , 12-24-31

                 The fog of last night lite bright from street light lingers this morning with in the head above my shoulders . A gentle rain pelts automobile windshield and roof  of the car with in which I am riding  . Today's destination is the hospital to meet with my mothers oncologist . An official ruling of my mothers health will be given face to face . Gone will be the practitioner  and surgeon . Gone will be the  phone call from elder sister  to awaiting ears .  Gone will be the shadow of doubt . What we already know will be delivered from mouth to our face , my mothers fate . My face is washed clean and shaven . My bed head has been combed . Numbness of that which is awaiting seizes hold of my awareness . Last nights dew  laden fog arabesques in my head .                                                                           How brave my mother has been amazes me and arouses memories . Suddenly thoughts stir into action and  broad cast them selves  on the droplets of dew collecting in my head and onto the tear drop descending down my cheek . This sucks , the pretending to be brave so that she , my mother will believe that we  her children will be all right with out her in the world as we know it at this present day . After all is said who can say what happens if anything after we die ?  Lately I find my self taking a comfort in thinking that nothing will happen to the newly deceased . We wont even know that we have stopped living . Alas  there will be no more fear or pain or hate . Perhaps the act of dieing is a peace unknown to mankind ?                                                                                                                    The traffic on the road ahead slows as three lanes squeeze down to two . It will not be soon that the road ahead will be completely perfect . Man  will labor on with out us complaining or fearing the unknown . My thoughts race on as the road traffic slows to a trickle . The aromatic scent of the toilet water Jean Natey  evokes further memories to when I was helpless and small . My mother had to go back to work to help support her family . I could not  stand the thought of being with out her back then too . My mother put the toilet water  on my teddy bears plastic nose and said mommy will be with you all day now so don't cry . I remember how she blotted her red lipstick on bathroom tissue  and the  discarded the tissue lay in the garbage as a reminder that she was gone .

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Day Dreaming Artist

      Riding in a car passing by miles of hills that look like they could have been a dinosaur camp grounds with the dinosaurs  all asleep with their backs humped high into a frosty gray morning sky . My mind is wondering in a relaxed manner though I am anxious . Here I go again putting myself out there and taking my place in a gallery group art show  for December through January . When  a door slams shut the loud bang noise produced  is  by far out lasted by imploding ear ringing noise of silence . Be that as it may , last nights fallen snow flakes cover smoke colored tree boughs   blanketing  inches high . I love to  think how wonderful the nature in this would is at playing their part so vallantly and   co-exist , each  an integral part of the large cycle of earth . Gazing through the cars window the snow covered boughs began to look like dinosaur bones of carcass remains in their final resting place . The mornings blustery winds hits  the car  in hard gales . These winds could have come from the  dinosaur breath to bring  fire of frozen  cold sting to mankind' s frail skin . Fire and ice , fire and ice , Robert Frost.....                                                                                                                                                                This interstate slices through rolling hills on both sides of the highway . At times the road appears as a center of a valley . Other times the road rides a top of the hill affording grand views . Today in avoidance of what faces me at the gallery  the hills again become sleeping   noble beasts , the  dinosaurs , long sense conquered passing into stardust or to become become fodder and fuel for mankind . It is with in a shroud of acceptance mankind passes into each day of their right to inhabit earth . Today all of yesterdays wrong and  sins are covered up in virginal  white snow . In spite of today's harsh elements and forgotten yesterday memories today continues forward . I will make it to the gallery . The ladies there will be nice to me .  They will complement my landscape  oil  paintings . I will feel pride even  if  the paintings do not sell . I never studied painting to become rich and famous . I studied  painting because  I loved art . I had passion to become an artist no matter what except to create art of which I felt nothing just for money .                          For years now I have had the pleasure and privilege  to continue creating new paintings . I have something to say  and art work is my dialect ,  amen  ! Into this frosty morning I go forward in good faith that I too have a right to speak  , even if no one hears or responds pleasantly to my paintings . For all I know an asteroid could crash into  earth's surface to fill the blue tent of atmosphere and we take for granted .  We

 too will become tomorrows sleeping beasts and fodder for the next inhabitants of earth .    

Thursday, November 17, 2016

November 2016                                                                                                                                                        Found a note  book which had been misplaced and lost a couple months . Other note books and scraps of discarded paper filled this gap . The turning up of this notebook was not much of a surprise.... One day of last week after working a night shift  I returned home as usual . While making my way to a bedside table to quench a thirst of water , my eyes fell on a blue cover of  the  note book  I thought to have been lost . Acceptance of turn about  came easy even after hours of work on  a day of  November Elections  .  I knew the blue note book would eventually turn up . Resolve  caught hold  . Thus a battle would continue . I vowed to not let fear determine my actions and feelings .                                                                                                           Speaking of fear which is a common denominator through out mankind . Fear has not always served me well  in making life altering decisions .  On a few occasions where life and death decisions had to be made , I  did  not get in that white Cadillac when a ride had been offered  from a strange man   " Wanna ride ? "  .  To yell at the cab driver as to why he drove the cab in which I rode into a dark ally way between brick buildings ? These incidences were long age but still haunt me . Incidentally as of late having to refute unwanted sexual advances and innuendos in the work - place . I enjoy working in a grocery store as a night manager . Mixing with customers and getting to know them is surprisingly important to me . When a male customer sexually crosses the line my first response is disbelieve , shock and the old familiar fear ! There is a big difference between day light  and evening light and people and their actions differ greatly as well .  To me the daytime lulls people into thinking there is time to work things out  . Night time a sense of urgency can feel more acute and hope for a happy resolve can be fleeting . Most nights in the grocery store end uneventful . At the appointed hour setting the security alarm and lock the stores front door I feel a sense of having averted disaster .                                                                                                                                                      Most nights after work I will jog home three quarters a mile. The jog usually takes 10 minutes and is my cardio work out  . Some nights my thoughts resolve in gratitude . Dear lord thank you for for this gift of life . Thank you for my family . Than you for giving me a loving life partner for 36 years  the partner that has now become my husband  . Thank you for making me an artist . Thank you for relieving me the burden of making my living solely on the sales of my art work . Thank you for providing me with so many opportunities to make a living . Thank you for the roof over my head . Thank you for my home out of foreclosure with a reinstated loan  . Thank you for allowing me to be born in The United States of America   . About this time I run out of thank yous and out of breath . Lucky for me I am at the front steps of my home . As usual when entering the house  the aroma of hot food  greets  me form the meal my husband has prepared for me . One more time Thank you Lord for all the food we eat , and Thank you again for him !!!!!

Monday, November 14, 2016


Holloween

Three o'clock afternoon sun lists from south to west casting shadows in two directions  . Puffy white cloud that swiftly float above through a blue tent of atmosphere cast shadows on not so old hemlock clap board . Maple trees are taking on their autumnal color  . Preparing for all hollows   eve ,  ghosts appear in translucent  black oil  forms . Realities co-habit  making  dual perceptions . Soon the ghosts will a dance macabe  preform  in celebration of remembrance  that they two once lived here in this very very fine house . Nay these ghosts were the ones who built the dwelling . Having survived  civil  war their sum equals our today and will be realized  all hollows eve . Flotsam and jetsam a cargo of yesterday siege  hold of today and we shall humbly remember them and be thankful for all their battles and demons past  . Reverberating echoes in the here and now neither east nor west , pierce chirping crickets  and the hips of the last roses of a summer past .

Holloween

Three o'clock afternoon sun lists from south to west casting shadows in two directions  . Puffy white cloud that swiftly float above through a blue tent of atmosphere cast shadows on not so old hemlock clap board . Maple trees are taking on their autumnal color  . Preparing for all hollows   eve ,  ghosts appear in translucent  black oil  forms . Realities co-habit  making  dual perceptions . Soon the ghosts will a dance macabe  preform  in celebration of remembrance  that they two once lived here in this very very fine house . Nay these ghosts were the ones who built the dwelling . Having survived  civil  war their sum equals our today and will be realized  all hollows eve . Flotsam and jetsam a cargo of yesterday siege  hold of today and we shall humbly remember them and be thankful for all their battles and demons past  . Reverberating echoes in the here and now neither east nor west pierce chirping crickets  and the hips of the last roses of a summer past .

Holloween

Three o'clock afternoon sun lists from south to west casting shadows in two directions  . Puffy white cloud that swiftly float above through a blue tent of atmosphere cast shadows on not so old hemlock clap board . Maple trees are taking on their autumnal color  . Preparing for all hollows   eve ,  ghosts appear in translucent  black oil  forms . Realities co-habit  making  dual perceptions . Soon the ghosts will a dance macabe  preform  in celebration of remembrance  that they two once lived here in this very very fine house . Nay these ghosts were the ones who built the dwelling . Having survived  civil  war their sum equals our today and will be realized  all hollows eve . Flotsam and jetsam a cargo of yesterday siege  hold of today and we shall humbly remember them and be thankful for all their battles and demons past  . Reverberating echoes in the here and now neither east nor west pierce chirping crickets  and the hips of the last roses of a summer past .

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Legacy Inherent

          It was a late Sunday afternoon . As usual the mother had prepared a dinner complete from roasted meat , boiled potato and cooked vegetable . Dessert was homemade apple pie with vanilla ice cream on top and a slice or two of extra sharp cheddar cheese on the side. Her  kitchen had already been cleaned up from any traces  of dirty dishes or any sign of having been used at all for such a Sunday meal . Many a Sunday in past the children would be allowed to go to a afternoon movie each with enough pocket change for some candy and a soda  , not so for today .  Today after all the domestic work had been completed  the father and mother simply told the children they were so tired after working their jobs all week that they  needed  to  take a nap . So this child went over to a friends house . That child went to her bedroom . A sister went over to her girlfriends . The youngest girl would be playing quietly with a girlfriend in the basement play room . A middle child cared not to visit any one or go out of the house passed the time in a sorta free falling matter of imagination by watching old black and white movies in a basement television   room .                                                          An hour passed quietly with no signs of life  noise  on the floors over head . Marlene Dietrick saved the day by dropping the house door key out the bedroom window .  A secret double agent would save the day after obtaining said key . Young sister and friend  would ascend to upstairs for snacks . Role playing through dolls can become so tiresome that sugar and other carbs are a necessity ! With in basement television room  , movie  credits rolled on to a Kurt Weil  musical score symphony hall  style . All was as it should be in movie world . Double spy agents saved the day by out smarting  Nazi SS officers and  villains . Marlene Dietrick could go on to sing more songs like Falling in Love  Again or Belly Up to the Bar Boys ! Middle child took a break from a darkened room to go upstairs .  Afternoon sun poured into house windows as he walked into the kitchen . he heard  his parents bedroom door opening and closing  . His father appeared wearing clothes a cut above day to day but not quite formal or dress like  in style . perhaps a bit sporty in appearance . His bright green eyes glared down onto middle child . His carrot red hair was neatly combed  with a touch of  Vitalis hair tonic . tops of curls glistening highlights of afternoon sun. Middle child came to an abrupt halt .                                                                                                                                                     " Daddy  !! Where are you going ? asked middle child .                                                                                                               " Out for a walk " replied  Daddy .                                                                                                              Can i come too Daddy ?  " said middle child  .                                                                                         " Well ,  yes   . Only we have to go now  "                                                                                                    " Oh  Daddy  ,  i am ready ! "                                                                            The afternoon sun although waning beat down relentlessly  as if all living beings  were  on  trial and would be made ready to crack and spill a gut . Into the  angled bright  afternoon light Daddy and middle child walked .With out eye wear protection the sun's  brightness was  causing Daddy and middle child  to squint their eyes to the point of almost not seeing , next to imagined blindness . Big man hand holding little boy hand they proceeded on their journey .The side walk on which they walked was gray slate  from local blue stone mines of the Victorian days . Heat waves were rising from the  pavement of Doubleday Street . The Daddy and middle child passed many double family homes  with yards and gardens leading to the corner of Doubleday and Chenango street . On this corner was a grocery store owned by the city's mayor  . In Passing the establishment the middle child glanced into the plate glass windows on the Doubleday side .  With in , piled four boxes high was a display of  sanitary napkins . The boxes were light purple and exhibited a beautiful flower underneath a brand  name . Much to the amazement to the middle child was recognition of said product . With a slight blush ,  a memory entered  into middle child's mind . Middle child had seen the same product in his family's  bathroom closet . At the time middle child deduced the product to be foot pads that his mother would use when wearing stiletto heals . Middle child remembered packing two sanitary napkins into his mother's stiletto heals and attempting to walk . Middle child decided to keep these  shaky finding  results  a secret to be carried to his grave  .                                                                                  At the intersection where Doubleday street met Chenango Street the pedestrian would have to decide right towards Saint Pauls Church  or The Fischer-Scholderal Funeral Home ,  or left  the old riddled and littered   business -manufacturing districk  . Directly across Chenango Street was the old shoe store . Middle child remembered over hearing Daddy read out loud to the Mother a news paper article  about the shoe store clerk , a women , being robbed and savagely beaten then left for dead . Turned out the shoe store clerk happened to be the  a doctor's sister  the vary some doctor  the  mother worked for on the other end of Chenango Street in the Hillcrest area .   Chenango Street was a series of red brick four story buildings from the eighteen hundreds whose facades exhibited  brick masonry  work in designs reminiscence of Roman  architecture with dates of building  completions  proudly  hand made in clay brick  atop . From Doubleday Street corner to the old viaduct over the Lackawanna Station and  railroad tracts . Day in and day out this part of  Chenango street was run on railroad time  comings and goings . On the next corner  directly next to the railroad tracks was Eldredge Street . At this inter section was the barber shop Called Riley's Barber Shop . Daddy , middle child and younger  brother would have their hair cut there every two weeks . On the east side of Chenango Street between Doubleday Street and Eldredge Street was Chris's Hot Dog Stand . At Chris's you could get the best Spaghetti and Meat balls on earth . Chris's chili dogs could supply a Food channel with enough material for at least five year series  . On this same east side of Chenango Street were located two Beer gardens commonly called bars . One being the North Side Tavern The seconded Being Known as Dud and Tom's . Both staples of the block , both had become  standards for many a year , For today  Daddy and middle child's walk would end and conjoin with patrons at the North side Tavern .                                                                                                                                                    From the blinding angled light of late afternoon sun into a darkened smoke filled room , Daddy and middle child walked into an atmosphere of magic like that  which Marlene Dietrick would have made an entrance  . From the dimly lite room any one at any age  , be it father  or be it son holding hands  could see  how easy it could be to be "Falling in love again . Never wanting to . What are we to do  ? Can't help it . "  Bellying up to the bar  like the boys they were  , Daddy and middle child took their place at the bar . Middle child was amazed at how many of the bar's denizens began  greetings to the Daddy . This must be the real club thought  the middle child !  Some people appeared ghost like , holding drinks in one hand and a cigarettes  in the other hand .  All seemed to have  arrived at the point of  no  escape . The time was to forget their lives of being vets of the war of day to day  . Some  were real vets of real wars from the World War One  or Two or the Korean War  . Some people just needed to escape a life of  hand to fist always  robbing Peters to pay Paul . All the club members seemed to have a common  communal denominator either through genial or acquired need to self medicate at the local watering hole either being social or to find a quiet corner to fall into a slump when the click turned off in their head  and be left alone . There was no escape from the darkness while looking through the bottom of the hour shaped glass . The beer the alcohol was the cancer of their day . Like prisoners within  bars that were self made or real hell that  their lives had  became  . There would never be any  escaping  this confining hellish  condition ,  period .   Stardust lands  where it is destined . Everyday settlements descend to be born  new in  another day as some expel last breaths to ascend again to the stars and planets and the darkened comfort of beautiful outer space .

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Dear Nadine

I loved her from head tom toe . The morning she died i applied lotion to her cold feet .i miss my friend still .