The fog of last night lite bright from street light lingers this morning with in the head above my shoulders . A gentle rain pelts automobile windshield and roof of the car with in which I am riding . Today's destination is the hospital to meet with my mothers oncologist . An official ruling of my mothers health will be given face to face . Gone will be the practitioner and surgeon . Gone will be the phone call from elder sister to awaiting ears . Gone will be the shadow of doubt . What we already know will be delivered from mouth to our face , my mothers fate . My face is washed clean and shaven . My bed head has been combed . Numbness of that which is awaiting seizes hold of my awareness . Last nights dew laden fog arabesques in my head . How brave my mother has been amazes me and arouses memories . Suddenly thoughts stir into action and broad cast them selves on the droplets of dew collecting in my head and onto the tear drop descending down my cheek . This sucks , the pretending to be brave so that she , my mother will believe that we her children will be all right with out her in the world as we know it at this present day . After all is said who can say what happens if anything after we die ? Lately I find my self taking a comfort in thinking that nothing will happen to the newly deceased . We wont even know that we have stopped living . Alas there will be no more fear or pain or hate . Perhaps the act of dieing is a peace unknown to mankind ? The traffic on the road ahead slows as three lanes squeeze down to two . It will not be soon that the road ahead will be completely perfect . Man will labor on with out us complaining or fearing the unknown . My thoughts race on as the road traffic slows to a trickle . The aromatic scent of the toilet water Jean Natey evokes further memories to when I was helpless and small . My mother had to go back to work to help support her family . I could not stand the thought of being with out her back then too . My mother put the toilet water on my teddy bears plastic nose and said mommy will be with you all day now so don't cry . I remember how she blotted her red lipstick on bathroom tissue and the discarded the tissue lay in the garbage as a reminder that she was gone .
